User Profile

I am 29, married, with 4 kids, two of them newborn twins. I haven't finished my masters (but I started it) in creeative writing. So consider me de-railed by life and the living of it.

I am more interested in what I want to become than what I am. I am becoming more attuned to the planet and my role in it ecologically (trying to live more naturally, more sustainably, questioning my behavior and what it means as far as impact etc.)

I read a lot, or did when I had more time. I have minor interests in science. I read Discover Magazine, The New Yorker, I like thoughtful Science Fiction. I try to bounce between fun reading, serious fiction and non-fiction. My last 3 books were "The World Without Us" (non-fictional ecological) "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy (post-apocalyptic ficton) and "Gateway" an old, decent SF book. I'm due for a silly mystery or comic book next.

I don't watch much TV, am not too interested in the news-cycle. I've started my own organic garden. I am sarcastic but I try not to wound with it. It's more me laughing at myself and if you happen to be silly in the same way I am, then great. Silly in your own way is great too.

I tend to see this journal as a place for my thoughts and would like to avoid self-censoring for a perceived audience. I know grammatical rules and how to spell, but I don't expect great application of that stuff in my journal or others. It seems kinda silly to be proof-reading what I write for errors as though it was a school project or a published work, when really it's just me writing what I think.

I can be verbose. Or not. I like to check words. If I type a word that pops into my head as what I think I want to say, and I'm not sure then I just look at my dictionary widget and say "Aha! I thought so," or "whoops!" but to me the pleasure comes from grasping the word better and using what I know cleverly. So I like to look things up.

I just re-read some of my entries. The act itself seems ridiculously circular and narcissistic. It's frustrating to me that what I write about boils down to "I'm a housewife and mom." Both the entries themselves and some of my attitude seem to be about my housewivery and my desperation about being "just" a housewife. Or maybe the second part is just my internal interpretation of what the words mean but don't actually say. I'm reminded of a Radiohead lyric "You do it to yourself, you do/and that's why it really hurts." and Michelle Shocked's "Anchorage" - "I sound like a housewife/Hey Chel, I think I'm a housewife."

You know, there's nothing wrong with being what I am these days. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to be and do and feel more than the thing you happen to be doing right now. I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that wanting more is not in and of itself a denial or rejection of loving what you have.

I am a wife and a mother who is struggling with feeling reduced to that role alone. It's no one's fault just not the only thing I imagined for myself. So I'm trying to kick start my flagging intellect by trying to write some.

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